All three of my children have played youth soccer at some point. I have participated in the coaching of all three of them at some point. Because of circumstances that will make sense momentarily, this Fall was the most interesting.
If I had the opportunity to do it over again, I would gladly take the opportunity. (There is a change Spring may bring with it that very opportunity.) If had I had the opportunity to have a conversation with myself before the Season started, I would put myself in a headlock and drag myself to the side in order to have a conversation.
As mentioned all of the kids have played soccer at some point. Seth is playing it the oldest of any of the kids. I can’t remember how old Maggie was when she stopped playing, but it wasn’t quite this old. She almost played high school soccer, but opted for another sport option instead. Bekah’s soccer resume was the shortest – one Season – of anyone.
To her credit she was very, very young. As in “Wow, that grass looks interesting… What soccer ball?” young. We didn’t push her to play more.
Seth has always loved soccer. And has always shown a decent talent for it any time he has played. He took a break a few years ago due to us/him trying to progress too fast. He had an opportunity to move up to a competitive-type team which was a great affirmation of his potential. But it was just too much too soon in terms of his full awareness of the game as well as quite where he was in terms of the balance between work and game that came with moving up.
After a few years off he rejoined the recreation league in our community. He loved being back on the field. He loved making friends and competing with them. It took work, but a lot of that talent he showed the potential of having started reappearing and even growing.
Before we registered him for that first season back Lisa had told me that I couldn’t volunteer to coach. GREAT, great advice on her part. But since I can’t help myself when the coach asked if any parents would be willing to help out I gladly volunteered. As glad as I am that I didn’t volunteer, I’m equally if not more glad I raised my hand when he asked because of the relationship made with the coach and our families. I’m also glad he was the coach those first two seasons.
At his age there is both a recreation and competitive program. After two seasons (Fall and Spring) tryouts were held for the competitive program in our club. Numerous boys from the team made it including our previous coach’s son. Our players and their families had developed some really strong bonds and we wanted to do what we could to keep the players together. So before Fall even rolled back around I volunteered.
A few things I wish I had known:
A youth sports comes with kids. You know what else? They aren’t your kids.
I’m good with kids. I’ve got my kids. I’ve got nieces and nephews. My kids have friends. We all get along. The thing about them is that there aren’t more than a dozen of them. And you have much different responsibilities for them.
I was very lucky. Our last coach built a great foundation on which were able to continue building. But it was a whole new world being the guy with the plan and not just the guy helping execute the plan
This was more than a dozen 12-14 year olds playing a game they didn’t want to lose. They have different strengths and different weaknesses. They also have different preferences. And they come into practices and games carrying their own junk just like you do.
How do you put them in the best position to win? How do you tell them things they don’t want to hear? When do you focus on the whole and when do you focus on the one?
With your own kids you get however old they are worth of time to figure that out. With a sports team you get a few hours a week.
You have to maximize the time.
Youth sports doesn’t some with the scheduling assistant you get with Microsoft Office.
Scheduling and availability was one of our biggest, if not the biggest, challenges this season. Sometimes it was our team, sometimes it was the other. But we played games without full rosters, we had games cancelled last minute. We dealt with challenges of continuity due to issues with practice.
It was tricky because we played in a recreation league, not a competitive league. So even in the name there isn’t the same commitment required. A lot of our team’s challenges with continuity were legitimate due to health or family commitments. But they were challenges none the less.
A Coach isn’t a Dad. And a Dad isn’t a Coach. But sometimes your Dad is your Coach.
I absolutely loved coaching Seth in soccer. I wouldn’t have traded it for the world.
But this was a lesson I learned from when Seth moved up to that academy-type team when he was younger. I knew he had talent. And I wanted him to be the best he could. But I’ll never forget the night after practice where I was going through my normal routine of trying to reinforce what I’d heard the coach tell him that night. I would try to make it a dialogue to involve us both, but apparently I wasn’t doing a good job. Seth stopped me and said, “Can you just tell me what I did wrong so we can go home?”
I wasn’t Seth’s coach that season. I was his father. He needed something different from me then.
This season I was both. And I made it a point for every interaction I had with him to be viewed through that lens. And I made a point to tell him, “Seth, when we are practicing, when we are playing games, I’m your coach. I won’t ever stop being your dad. But I have to make it as equal as possible.”
By God’s grace I learned a lot in the time since he played soccer before. And I learned a lot last Fall and Spring when he played. He’s also grown and our relationship is more mature.
But our roles change at times. And we all have to acknowledge that and do our best to respond accordingly. If both parties can do that, the whole is better for it.
You have to know “Why”. Just like anything else.
There is a lot of talk of “Why” across areas I engage with in life. I still have “Start with Why” on my Reading List, but I understand the idea enough to be dangerous.
The initial why has always been the same – I want to be part of these interactions with my kids. I won’t lie and say that part of it isn’t my competitive instinct or drive. But my kids are at the heart of it, I want to make sure they have the best they can get. If someone else can do better, I’ll loop them in and defer. But I don’t know if someone else will do that, etc.
But this goes back to that first lesson learned. When you step into this role, your why has to include all those other kids and not just your own. If it doesn’t then you do everyone a disservice.
I think that is where being a kid person, marrying into a large family, having done a lot of ministry with youth and kids helped me. But I was never perfect. There were few days after practice where I didn’t leave with a long list of ways I wanted to do better by the kids – not just as players on a Team, but as individuals that were there participating and contributing.
I’ve had various leadership roles on teams and organizations before. But I don’t that I’ve ever had as clear a view of all those people as individuals as I did during this season. And I hope no matter what team I’m a part of in the future, that the lens I gained is what I look through in these type roles from now on.
You have to know what success is. Just like anything else.
I was a coach of a team that played a sport. I’m one of those crazy people that thinks you play a sport to win.
But what does success look like? Only one team can win the championship. Can other teams still succeed at something? I think they can.
Between Fall and Spring, Seth’s previous coach had put together a book with the intent all the players were working from the same base. One of the things he included were two Team Goals. While I didn’t finish a notebook for this team, I did start the seasons with two things for the team: an intent and a definition of success.
Intent: Win every Game
Definition of Success: Improve ourselves and the Team every time we step on the Field
Like I said, I play, and I think these kids played, to win. So I was fair in acknowledging that as our intent.
But the definition of success. I couldn’t let our intent be our definition of success.
Pure practicality. The group from last Fall and Spring had made tremendous strides individually and collectively. But I also knew the Teams we were playing against. And I knew other obstacles we would be up against. But I also think there are a lot of incremental steps along any path that should be counted as successes in their own right.
Looking back, I’m calling this season a success. It was came with difficulties, it came with fatigue, it even came with frustration. But it also came with fun, it came with new relationships, it came with wins in games (even if there weren’t the number we wanted), and it came with improvement for individual players and the whole team across the season. Every time I look back, I’m really glad I listened to Lisa’s … “advice” about last season. There were a lot of lessons I needed to learn well before the new ones I learned this season. But I’m so glad I got the opportunity to learn these new ones.
Writing Day 4, 2022 Edition – Complete.
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