My next thirty years

I turned 30.

Apparently it is time to settle down…

Apparently it is time to start a family…

Buy a minivan…

Start a career…

Oops, I was ahead of the game until that last one. In all seriousness, though, not a thing feels different. My birthday was Tuesday and I have to say, it was the best of days. But I didn’t feel a bit different on Tuesday than I had on Monday, and then not a bit on Wednesday than I had on Tuesday.

If I’m being completely honest, I knew it was different. I knew that my 20s were over. I just didn’t care. There was a brief moment when I was going to sleep on Tuesday night, it was that time between asleep and awake… if there was a low point, it was then. But it was more a realization that I am what I already know but just haven’t felt like it – an adult. And that’s the truth, I just still don’t feel like what I think about when I think about the word “adult”.

No offense intended at all with this next statement. But when I think about adults I picture my mom and dad, I picture Lisa’s mom, I picture cops and doctors and lawyers or teachers. Then I realize my friends are cops and lawyers, that my wife is a teacher, that teachers in Maggie’s school are younger than me. And then I realize I am younger still than my dad was when I was born and that I have three kids, one of which is starting first grade in the fall. Wait, what? First grade?!? There is no way. But here I am, this is my life, and I love every minute of it.

A few months ago when I realized that spring was here and summer was coming and I knew my birthday was coming with it I started thinking about it. Look 16 was 16, 18 was whatever – cool, I can vote, 20 seemed like a bigger deal than 21 because it was a new decade. But this was 30. I had to stop playing video games and start reading books, stop watching Star Wars and start watching… I don’t know what. But here I am, 30 years old and I’m writing this wearing one of my Star Wars t-shirt and I’ve got the pre-order receipt for NCAA ’12 in my wallet.

Now I won’t lie, it did make me retrospective and introspective. I thought about all I wanted to have done and be by now. I wish I was 3-5 years into a career. I wish I was finishing my Master’s and not my Bachelor’s. There are a lot of things that would be nice. But I love my life. If it would mean changing a single thing about all I have now, I don’t think I would change a thing.

If I could change anything, I wish I could have my dad back. I hate the country song about, “if Heaven wasn’t so far away”. Every time it comes on I want to say, “Yeah, well, it is so get over it.” But there are times when I wish I could tell him I’m sorry for some things. Tell him thank you a thousand times for others. I wish I could ask him what to do with Seth some days. And I’d love to see the smile on his face when he holds my girls. I’m the man I am because of the father he was. He wasn’t perfect and I haven’t been either. And I miss him. God, do I miss him. While I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand this side of eternity why I couldn’t have both, I know it was losing him that propelled me here. And while I still want to ask God why, I know that while I haven’t been perfect, my father would be proud of me. Now, he’d have preferred a few things be different. And I would probably agree with him, in retrospect. But I hope I’ve honored his memory and all he did for me and mom. I do love you, dad.

That got intense quick… back to more light-hearted musings…

I wrote this in a personal journal a few days before my birthday: “All along it has seemed like this big milestone. Now, just a few days away, it seems like another birthday. Sure I’ll joke with family or friends about it being whatever. And at times it does seem more significant than others. But on Wednesday morning I’ll get up, fix the kids their breakfast, give Bekah a bottle, make sure my final paper is ready, and wait to go to class that night… just like I did last Wednesday and the Wednesday before that.”

Last year on my 29th birthday I posted the lyrics to “My Next 30 Years” by Tim McGraw. They felt more relevant a year ago than they do now. It seemed bigger last year than it does now. I was beginning the last year of my 20s… oh no! But despite the reference to my number of years on the planet, I don’t think I’ve “been in my 20s” for a while. Please understand, I don’t mean for that to sound either campy or arrogant. But more than eight years of marriage, three kids – one of which is starting first grade in the fall, a minivan, a mortgage. I’m a long way from where I thought I was and I’m okay with that.

All that being said, it is a notable thing. I started to type turning point, but that just doesn’t quite fit. But I will say a milestone. In some ways, I have a long way to go to get where I want to be, to be who I want to be. But, I’m not doing to bad. What I do know is that there are mistakes that I want to have made for the last time. And I know there will be new ones. I’m certain there is no doubt about that. But I’m in a really good place in a lot of different ways.

That is a blessing and I am grateful for that. It is more than I deserve. And because of that I don’t want to take the milestone lightly. For me it is not a source of sorrow or regret or fear. Although there was a time I thought it would be because there are things I wish I had done different. But this is a time to be thankful for where I am, what I have, and the path that I am on. And I’m going to use that as a springboard into more and better.

To the family and friends who have walked this life out with me, thank you. I know it isn’t always easy for any of us. But I thank God I haven’t had to do it without you all.

Here’s to the next thirty!